belong to today.

All the pieces are falling together.
Maybe not logistically speaking- that's all been under control for a while. But more in the way of me learning and understanding what this next stage of my life is all about & why God has pulled me in the direction that He has.

Overseas

to 2 third world countries

for 5 months

to love.

To love the fatherless. the neglected. the forgotten.

To serve the illiterate. the sick. the poor. 
To show the lost & the broken that there is a security and a belonging that can only exist in & with & through God the Father. And after two months with orphaned children in Zambia, whether they ever even think of me again or not, I pray that they know- truly know- that they will never be alone and they are always, ALWAYS loved.

I've struggling with that word...     BELONGING    ...a lot lately. As I planned for, entered into, navigated, and evaluated this time of transition between college/camp and missions, I was really unsure what the purpose of three months of "living the dream" looked like. It's not as easy as it may seem. As an extrovert (self-proclaimed & publicly-supported), I got lonely a good bit. No one else was in the same boat as me. All of my closest friends are getting married, getting big kid jobs, still in school, or sleeping in grass huts in Asia. I no longer led the familiar lifestyle of a college student- living with my best friends and having things to do all the time. But I also couldn't commit to a regular job since I only had three months in America. 
In short, I didn't belong. Or at least that's what I felt like. I've spent most of my life being a little different- the girl who's okay to spend Friday night at home with her parents or the one who will go to any lengths (and take a lot of grief) to recycle, or the one who is perfectly fine with the idea of getting married "eventually". But this time, "different" didn't seem so great. Rather than feeling independent, I felt lonely. And rather than feeling lucky, I found myself longing for the sense of purpose that all of my friends seemed to have.
Yesterday, when I was reading on the website for ICC-SKY (the organization I am working with in Cambodia), I came across this...

"...over 500 young adult orphans revealed that they fear discrimination, victimisation, joblessness, homelessness and even starvation once they leave the orphanage. Many believe that society does not value them and they fear they no longer have the skills to be part of an outside community."

And that's when I realized what all of this was for and why this transition, this lull, had to happen before I could go abroad. It wasn't that my friends were moving on without me or that I was wasting precious productivity time. God was and still is preparing me to identify with these children. I have led such a blessed life- a loving family that extends far beyond blood, numerous circles of wonderful friends, health, security, opportunity, etc. And while I will never know what it feels like to be abandoned nor malnourished, I now know what it feels like to not really belong. To see all these places in which I used to be a part or where I might be in the future, knowing that right now, today, I don't fit- it's tough. It's tough to wait, to fill time with preparations & explanations & conversations (well that's not too tough), until you get to go where you know you are supposed to be. Sometimes, it's tough to live in the present without wishing that "what's next" will hurry up and come. Sometimes it's hard to be patient.

But today is beautiful, perfect or not, it is beautiful. Busy or not, alone or not, comfortable or not, it is beautiful. I think that's what God needed me to realize before I left. Three months of free time, more or less, was just what I needed to spend time with the people I love, to make arrangements for life after April, and to rest in the fullness of God's grace and trust in His Plan. Knowing and believing and resting in that truth is the first step in teaching these orphans that no matter how awful & sad & lonely their past has been, it's over. And no matter how exciting & "better" tomorrow seems, it's not yet come. What we have is today. We belong in today- where we are with who we are surrounded by. And whatever insecurities or doubts we have, they are nothing compared to the greatness and the fullness of the worth we have in Jesus Christ. For it is through God we are redeemed and by him we called

"Beloved, beloved children".